Nerves

Wow. It is really here. The week of our first insemination. I don't know why, but I am a ball of nerves this morning!

We have always expected that it will take a long time to get me pregnant. But even though we still acknowledge that that is a very real possibility, our aggressive plan for this cycle (directly to meds, which we were not originally planning to do) has brought up some "what ifs" for us. Primarily: What if I do get pregnant on our first try?

We have both spent so long tiptoeing around the pool of optimism, not daring to touch the cool sweet water, that dipping our toes in seems bizarre. And yet, statistically speaking, it is possible that this will work. If we didn't think there was some chance of success, we wouldn't be trying, right?

This past weekend we allowed ourselves to speak aloud some of our optimistic and hopeful thoughts. It was scary and strange and wonderful. There is a big piece of me that wishes we could just let go entirely, dive headlong into the pool, and enjoy the happiness we'd find there. But we are too guarded against heartbreak, too aware of the realities of this world, to let go like that. It would be nice, though, just once...